When you think about the story of the Wizard of Oz, book or movie, you may notice that there are some highly important lessons tucked in there that are important for everyone to know. For the sake of including most of the population, I shall focus on the movie today, but only because most people don't even realize that there was a book before the movie!!!! Ahem. So here are the lessons, offered to you in a friendly guide book style, so that you can print this post out and carry it with you always.
Important Lesson #1: When stealing your neighbor's plucky animal sidekick, be sure to securely fasten the lid of the basket/carrying vessel that you are taking them in. Trust me, plucky animals will not stay in the basket.
Important Lesson #2: Don't walk precariously on the fencing of your pig pen. They will eat your face if they are hungry, and then you will not have a face.
Important Lesson #3: In case of a tornado, be sure to know your safety procedures, especially if you live in Kansas during 190-something. Just sayin'.
Important Lesson #4: If your house gets sucked into a cyclone, dial 911 immediately.
Important Lesson #5: When your house lands in the Munchkin country, yes, you are probably hallucinating. Don't join them in song, whatever you do.
Important Lesson #6: When directed by a Good Witch to go on a long, extensive journey to the capitol of the Hallucination-country you are in in order to get home, be sure to ask if there isn't a much easier way that would save you a lot of trouble to just do, even if you won't learn a lesson and have a plucky adventure with your plucky animal sidekick and your plucky new friends you meet along the way. There usually is.
Important Lesson #7: It is not normal for scarecrows to talk. Don't just accept it and move on. It's not okay.
Important Lesson #8: Ditto for tin woodsmen. They shouldn't even exist in the first place, even as inanimate objects. They are probably the result of some grotesque wood chopping accident that you don't want to hear about.
Important Lesson #9: Lions also shouldn't talk, and it probably isn't a good idea to let them adventure with you, no matter how cowardly they claim to be. They will also eat your face. Even if they are extremely likable and cute and fluffy, and played by Bert Lahr, who is awesome. They are just distracting you from the fact that they are eating your face.
Important Lesson #10: Giant poppy fields? Creeeepy...
Important Lesson #11: The Guardian of the Gates? Always cool. Ally yourself with him. His moustache will make your dreams come true. Also, he may change costumes a lot, but it is still him. You will be glad he is your friend when he wears his giant green mittens of joy and happiness.
Important Lesson #12: Wizards are jerks.
Important Lesson #13: Going to the witch's palace to get her broomstick is stupid. Don't do it. You don't owe that jerk-face anything.
Important Lesson #14: If you are a Winky guard of the Wicked Witch of the West's palace, don't let someone steal your clothes. It makes you look like a jerk to your coworkers, and you will probably die now.
Important Lesson #15: Don't get trapped in a stupid tower and start crying. Be awesome, and go bust down the door!
Important Lesson #16: Throw stuff at the witch until she dies. That is fun.
Important Lesson #17: Definitely persuade the director to leave in the deleted scene in which you all get stung by a giant bug that turns out to be a Jitter-bug, and then start dancing the Jitterbug and sing about it. I'm not even joking. Look it up.
Important Lesson #18: Wizards are jerks. Make sure you beat him up when he turns out to be a humbug wizard, and then steal all of his candy and his city.
Important Lesson #19: Tell Glinda she is a jerk when she shows up revealing that the shoes would have taken her home all along (something you would have known had you followed Lesson #6), and then steal all of her candy, too.
Important Lesson #20: If it turns out it was all a dream, quit pretending that it really happened. I told you that it was a hallucination. Just move on. Carry on with your life like nothing happened until you get swept away in a hurricane while on a ship to Australia with your Uncle and end up in Oz again. Then you can maybe say that Oz is real. By the time you fall into a crater during an earthquake and fall to the center of the earth and eventually end up in Oz again, you can definitely stop pretending. But until then, hallucination.
Important Lesson #21: Remember way back, before you went to Oz, and you ran away and set up camp with a gypsy? Yeah, that was stupid of you.
I hope you found this little guide handy for your future endeavors. Please cherish every word, as they could be the key to not getting your face eaten someday.
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